(WWE, 8/1/12, Positive thinking) - The Pitch

Wednesday Challenge: Pretend that your Twisted Shorties submission brought you fame and fortune. Tell us what happened then.

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The scene: a balcony overlooking some Californian beach or other. The late afternoon sun slants through the beams of the pergola. Brad 1 and Brad 2 sit facing the beach with their sunglasses on. I don’t need sunglasses: after that twelve hour flight my eyes look like a couple of raisins sitting in a bowl of spotted dick. I have three meetings after this one and I’m completely jet lagged.

I try out the spotted dick reference on the two Brads. They smile politely, the sort of smile reserved for potential psychopaths.

Brad 1: So, you got the general overview. It’s like “Priscilla” meets “South Pacific”.

Brad 2: Yeah. Sorta comedy meets romance meets…

Me: Musical?

Brad 2: Yeah… ahh, no. Action.

Me: So, a Romcom action flick.

Brad 1: Yeah! You got it.

Brad 2: But instead of those three Aussie guys from Priscilla…

Me: Well, Terence Stamp is actually English, but go on.

Brad 2: Yeah, well instead of them we were thinking maybe Johnny Depp.

Me: Johnny Depp?

Brad 1: Yeah.

Me: As a gay cabaret dancer?

Brad 2: What, don’t you think he could pull it off?

Me: I’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean. He’s a natural. But as a choice it just seems a little… random.

Brad 1: You need a big name to hook 'em with, Pat. It’s all about the billing. With Johnny we’ll have the teenage market all sewn up.

Me: Oh.

Brad 2: And as for the other lead, we figured maybe Will Smith.

Me: Sorry? Will Smith.

Brad 2: Yep.

Me: As Mary.

Brad 1: Yeah.

Me: A Samoan Transsexual.

Brad 2: Exactly.

Me: Which market are you trying to hit with that?

Brad 1: It’s perfect. Johnny and Will would make the perfect action couple.

Me: Sorry guys, you’re losing me. How exactly do you plan to turn a gay cabaret dancer and a Samoan transsexual into the best action duo since Murtaugh and Riggs?

Brad 2: Well that’s where you come in. Obviously the premise will need a little tweaking and filling in…

Me: No kidding.

Brad 1: But we’ve seen your story Pat. You’d have no problem with that. You’ve got a great imagination for that sorta thing.

I sigh and push back my chair.

Me: Look guys, I’m flattered, honestly, but if you can see a two hour romcom action franchise starring Johnny Depp and Will Smith from my four hundred word Gather post, well, you have a far better imagination than me.