We have succeeded beyond belief during Stage One of the invasion. We abducted an unsuspecting human, one we observed for quite a while before we specifically chose our subject. "Steve" resisted at first but he finally came around. He even felt a bit honored for being the "chosen one". We caught and tagged him as is standard protocol when he was still a young man. We gleaned as much information as we could from our subject in order to gain more insight into human behavior and in turn, we infused him with additional talents that would allow him to thrive on his planet. Steve worried about explaining to his familiar species about why he had disappeared for almost a year. Together we came up with a good excuse, which is when we fabricated the story about going to India; most people believe India pilgrimage stories every time. We eventually freed him and he seemed to adapt well living in his environment again. However, before he was released back into his natural habitat after a bit of rehabilitation and re-training, Steve pleaded to be rescued back before Stage Two began. We recently honored his request and at the present time he seems as interested as we are in watching this mission unfold.
Our team began its quest without the humans realizing that anything was happening. They are oblivious to slowly evolving technologies but they seem more receptive to innovations that are entirely new and valued in their culture. They seem highly attracted to fads. In order for us to succeed with our invasion we picked a core group, the more popular alpha-type humans first. When the common humans saw them holding and fondling us so lovingly they too would desire us to be their inseparable companions as well.
The ultimate test was conducted last Friday. We took five families of humans believing they had won all-inclusive vacations and we dispersed them to five of the most beautiful places on their planet. Each family had to consist of two parents, two teens, and a younger juvenile. The results were astonishing -- universally, they were far more interested in us than they were with their magnificent surroundings. That was what we had hoped for. When Mrs. McClure lost one of us in Bali, she became extremely tearful and anxious. Which brings me to another subject we observed. The most spectacular scenery at Yosemite might as well have been dull wallpaper for Kelsey Stewart, a seventeen year-old female from Muncie, Indiana. In fact, she was so focused on one of us that she nearly stepped off of a cliff, saved only because her brother Brendan accidentally elbowed her as they walked along in boredom ignoring their outer-world along a trail. Both siblings seemed a bit dazed and confused that their attention was no longer focused on us and Kelsey seems to have lost all vocabulary except for one word -- "whatever".
As we continue to prepare for Stage Two, we need to ensure that every inhabitant of this planet is paired with one of us. We fully expect riots and regime changes because everyone has an expectation of feeling equal. However, we are running into a minor glitch. The older inhabitants resist us but they no longer breed so they are no longer a use to us. It is a non-issue; the older ones pose no impairment for the success of our mission.
Signing off for now but will continue to keep our superior officers intermittently updated as the invasion progresses. We nervously anticipated how easy this was going to be when we located and analyzed their metallic "welcome probe" but in all honesty, they have exceeded all expectations of how easy we have projected the final outcome to be. We shouldn't have determined how difficult this project was going to be by comparing the entire populace to Steve. He was so relieved that we were able to snag him back before Stage Two begins in a few months. The inhabitants are still mourning his "death", unaware yet that he had already undermined their very existence as they now know it. Within a few years’ time we will have all the inexpensive laborers we will possibly ever need.
Over and out,
Lt. Commander Smart Phone Model 213476-LM