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It was a normal day in Shandigore, Lousiana, except at Reeshlowe Community College, for that famous blacktress and musician Sarah Salazar had returned to it. She had studied drama and music there, before moving to England and becoming a famous performance artist on the West End. Then she cut an album, and left the theatre for a career as a musician. Now she makes movies, too. And today, she has returned to Reeshlowe at the request of the school board to inspire the student body. The school was certainly grateful for her two millions dollar donation. But Sarah told them her help would come with a price, and now its her turn. She meets with the directors in their office.
"Good afternoon. Thank you all for thinking of me when you needed a speaker. It was an honor to be able to do something for my college, at last. But now we must get the pleasantries out of the way. Let me get directly to my point.
I have come to ask you to discontinue your football program. Yes, I know, it is a big shock. I didn't expect it myself. But a dear friend of mine, a nurse studying to become a psychiatrist in England, has been making a study of college sports programs, both in the U. S. and the U. K. He's discovered that American college football programs are a very destructive force, not a constructive one. This was confimred by a report from the NCAA.
First of all, they are outrageously expensive. Shall we discuss the salary of the coach and his assistant here? It might surprise you all; I checked. The teachers here would kill to earn half what he does. I've checked your fiscal budget over the last three years, as well. The football program is a major drain. For three straight years, Reeshlowe Community College has had to seek emergency funding, and I believe it is related to the arrival of Coach Samson and his penchant for requesting a sizable raise every six months. He is never refused. Perhaps he should be? Why should you charge students a tuition that annually increases every month? Don't you realize that you're actually having fewer students every year? This man's salary is simply too high for this school to afford!
I don't have a vendetta against Mr. Samson. I've never met him. I don't wish him harm. My concern is with the school. This school means a lot to me. As does its reputation. Or need I remind you of the way our football boys badly misbehaved in Oregon when they went to play against them? Need I remind you what they did to Jessica Walters? Don't recall the name? You needn't worry. I brought the paper. Our boys robbed a liquor store. They also followed Jessica to her apartment, and overpowered her. Yet her claim to the police was squashed. Your influence, President Christianson? Coach Samson did nothing. This school did nothing. The cops in Oregon did nothing. Coach Samson's assistant did, as I recall. He attempted to suspend the players involved. I say attempted because Coach Samson fired him the day after he tried.
Then let us discuss a very interesting thing I heard today from the students in the music and drama programs. They say that their academic budgets have been cut to the bone, and the music program is about to be lost completely. Why bother asking me to visit a college to speak on my experiences as a thespian and blacktress when the music and drama programs are about to be cancelled? And for what? So all the money that rightfully belongs to them can be redirected to the football program. Football programs don't help students. Not in the light of what we've seen from their behavior in Oregon. Theater and music programs help students. They certainly helped me. English departments, and music and theater programs, I grant you, are not good at making money. They are expensive, but they are important. The purpose of school is supposed to be about education. English and arts support the idea of education. Athletics support mere vainglory. My best friend, Doctor Kylie Moriarty, told me back when she studied nursing here that the extraneous programs, including the atheletics departments, were nothing but a terrible diversion from a college's real mission. Bluntly, she told me that 'college is meant to be about education.' At the time, I thought she was just being judgmental. But after looking at this school's financial books and records for the last few days, and following the money trail, I'm beginning to understand what she meant.
Money that needs to go, not just to the arts department, but to all the other teachers and the supplies they need, is instead being given to the football program. The teachers at this school have had to sacrifice having phones at their desks, and frequently have to buy their own supplies. That is the reason I donated two million dollars. If they weren't protected by a union, half the teachers here fear they'd be fired as a cost-cutting measure. When your teachers live in fear, there's something very wrong. There are no assistant professors anymore. There's only one secretary and only one janitor. There used to be four. And why is the college library only open three days a week now? Because of the budget? Inexcusable! Yes, I acknowledge that it makes money if looked at the right way. But creative accounting won't solve the problem. If that's what you've been trying, I suggest you stop that soon. They're losing more money than they're making.
There is one other reason you should cancel your football program. It's name is Penn State. No, I don't believe Coach Samson is molesting boys. That is not the point. The point isn't what they did at Penn State, it's what they didn't do. Nobody checked. Nobody wanted to rock the boat or stick their neck out. So they all covered it up. Nobody wanted to kill the golden goose, making them all equally guilty in the crime in my eyes. Why am I making this comparison? Easy. Oregon. Only one person tried to do the right thing when our boys, shall we say, misbehaved? And he got fired for trying it.
I don't blame Coach Samson for this. He's just milking Reeshlowe Community College for all he can get and turning a blind eye to the crimes of his players. Yes, robbery and rape are crimes.
The fault for this lies, not with Coach Samson, but with you, President Christianson. It was your mismanagement that's brought this once great school to this! But you needn't worry. The school was in such dire straights that you actually put it up for sale! Luckily for you, I noticed this, and bought it myself before anyone else could. This place is in dire need of correction, and now that I'm running the show, I'm going to bring in advisors and experts to help me sort it out. There's going to be some changes around here. And, President Christianson, you're fired. And take your football program with you. I'm cancelling it cold. I want you out of here by the end of the day. Firstly, your replacement is going to be Rowena Beltane, a British woman with thirty-five years of experience as a teacher and three years experience as a vice principal. The sooner we bring her on, the better so that order can be preserved. Nothing invites chaos better than a power vaccaum. The rest of you, roll up your sleeves. We've got a lot of work to do. I want Reeshlowe to be the top community college in Louisiana."