‘Harvey,’ I said to myself, speaking to myself, ‘this can’t be happening.
’This whole thing’s gotta be a dream, just a dream. No, it’s more than just a dream…. It’s just a nightmare. How often do people dream about being turned into a frog? Not often, I’ll tell you. It’s never happened to me before, I’m sure of that. And it’s something I know I’d remember expecially when it’s as real as this dream is. Hell, the water even feels wet. And, this leaf. I’m getting sea sick, just sitting on it. Whaddaya say about that. Not much, right. Not much.
Look, you can stare back at me with those big froggy eyes all you want, but I’m gonna keep talkin’ to ya until I get myself out of this dream. This has got to be a first. I’m not talkin’ about being turned into a frog because I haven’t been turned into a frog, as I’m going to prove to myself in just a second or two when I get myself waked up.
I think once or maybe two times before I was in a dream where I knew I was dreaming and in the dream I knew I was dreaming, so I did what I always do when I’m having a dream that I know is a dream, I wake myself up. And I know that’s gonna happen any second now. I’m gonna pop my eyes open and say to myself, ‘Holy schmoly Harvey, that was one weird, honkin’ dream.’ In fact, I’m surprised I’m not sayin’ that already.
That ain’t entirely true, though. There been some dreams, maybe three, four of ‘em, now that I think of it. Really good dreams and I knew they was dreams, but they was such good dreams I decided not to wake up. You know, if it’s a boring dream, like this one is or a scary dream, like this one is startin’ to be, I always tell myself to wake up, so that should be happening right about now.
Maybe this is a good dream and I don’t know it, though. Well, I gotta know it somewhere, but maybe I’m having a good dream and in the dream I’m dreaming this dream, so in the good dream I’m finding this dream pretty interesting, so I’m telling myself not to wake up, even though I’m dreaming that I’m telling myself to wake up. That’s confusing, I know, but it makes some sense, don’t it?
Maybe in the real dream I’m laying in bed with a super good looker or maybe I’m sitting on the couch watching the Super Bowl, but the commercials are on and I’m dozing off. That couldn’t be it, though. I don’t never doze off during the Super Bowl commercials. The half-time show, maybe, but never the commercials. So, it’s got to be the good looker. She’s gotta be a really good looker, a starlet type to keep me from letting myself wake up like this.
Once I had a dream about the Super Bowl and I was in the stands. That’s how I knew it was a dream. I always watch on TV, but I’m never gonna be in the stands, too many mazumah, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I kept it going because my team, the Bears was in it and they was winning. Then a guy from in the deck above me drops his hot dog in my lap, only it’s still wrapped and nobody took a bite out of it yet. So, I figure I’ll wait a few minutes and if the guy don’t come get it, I’m eating it before it gets cold. Might as well throw it away if it gets cold. That’s when I woke up. Was such a good dream I went and made myself a hot-dog at three in the morning. So, I didn’t sleep much the rest of the night. That’s how good a dream it was.
Sometimes, it’s a sexy dream and she’s getting undressed right there in front of me. She’s a movie star or a good looking blonde or brunette or red head. No way am I waking myself up from one of those.
You, on the other hand, my froggy friend, are not very good looking, even are if you are a girl frog which I do not know. If you are, though, then sorry, but maybe to another frog you’re good looking, but not to me. Is that okay with you?
You know, come to think of it, I was sitting on a couch with this really good looker. I put my hand on her knee, leaned in closer, and said, ‘Name’s Harvey. What’s yours?’
She said, ‘Get your hand off my knee.’
So I did what she wanted and moved it further up her leg. Must’ve past out. Bet that’s where I’m gonna wake up, right there on that couch.
Strangest thing though, right now I really want to stick my tongue out and catch that fly’s buzzing over our heads.