Emma Jane (GWE)

The first paragraph:

Emma Jane ignored the perspiration on her brow as she looked up at the make-shift pulpit with a well worn bible opened to some scripture about repenting. The man standing behind it was tall. His thin, wispy hair fell greasy around his face. The dark shadows that clung below his blue, washed-out eyes seemed as ominous as the very pits of hell. Even though his black suit hung loosely on him the armpits as well as the back was wet from the heavy August heat. He pointed his skinny white finger out accusingly to the few that sat under the tent. His voice was loud and promising as he went about his fire and brimstone sermon. Somehow, Emma was soothed by knowing the preacher was just as hot as everyone else.

*rigorous critique wanted

Comments: 13

Pam Brittain Jun 26, 2012, 7:22pm UTC

Oh my, Virginia. I love this piece. It reminds me of a Baptist preacher that kept coming around our house. We developed the practice of locking the doors, turning off all lights and hiding.

Ya just don't mess with our Ma. And don't tell her how to raise her children. I was the only one that went to that church (invite from a girlfriend when I was young). He wasn't a very nice man.

I love this piece and wouldn't change a thing.

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 7:36pm UTC

Thank you, Pam! I can 'blame' this (hopefully) opening paragraph on Greg Schiller. I commented on his MWE challenge about how I have difficulty writing and rarely am able to accomplish much. Then I got to thinking, maybe, if I just plug away one bit at a time…Well, I shall see how this new motivation works. 

Pam Brittain Jun 26, 2012, 7:40pm UTC

Does Greg know you meant it for MWE? Your title didn't mention it and the challenge isn't there. I thought maybe it was for MWE, but I wasn't sure and I'm so glad he prompted you into writing.

I went to your sight and looked a few pieces you wrote. They're wonderful. Maybe you'll post more.

I'm on my way over to Greg's challenge to give him a link to this work of art.

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 7:58pm UTC

Pam, this is not actually an answer to his prompt, but he made me think of why I never get done what I want to do.

Thank you, for checking out some of my other stuff. It's greatly appreciated!

Pam Brittain Jun 26, 2012, 8:32pm UTC

Too late, Virginia. Greg's already on his way over here. My bad?

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Betty S. Jun 26, 2012, 7:45pm UTC

This is sooo good..Can't wait for follow up..

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 7:53pm UTC

Thank you, Betty, for the encouragement! :)

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Greg Schiller Jun 26, 2012, 8:29pm UTC

Hey Virginia, a little blue bird alerted me to your post. At the time, Search and the feeds were not working so this may have winged it's way by me.

I like your imagery, it reminds me of Brother Al, an itinerant preacher who held revival meetings for several years on the land cleared for I94 through Saint Paul. His standard line was to complain 'bout those womens whose wearing it too high and those womens whose wearing it too low.

I like to think he's hot right about now too. Or did that "hot" have a double meaning?

Greg Schiller Jun 26, 2012, 8:33pm UTC

As for critique, I want to hear him speak. I know, I know, it's hard to write that kind of dialogue but it might be something to fool around with.

I also liked how you painted him as hot.

His thin, wispy hair fell greasy around his face. The dark shadows that clung below his blue, washed-out eyes seemed as ominous as the very pits of hell. Even though his black suit hung loosely on him the armpits as well as the back was wet from the heavy August heat.

Each sentence supports the others. Well done.

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 9:33pm UTC

Greg, I think that's the nicest bluebird on Gather! :)

I didn't post to MWE because I don't think this answered your challenge for this week. Your challenge did prompt me to write something, though.
Thank you for the critique. I can use all that I can get! I was trying to create a hook but perhaps it isn't strong enough to lead into another paragraph. I have some ideas, if I can just get them out there properly.

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 9:37pm UTC

I can, and don't really mind to, write dialogue but I was thinking to wait and focus a bit more on Emma first. Lol, I don't know yet, though.

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Phillip DeNise Jun 26, 2012, 9:13pm UTC

one tiny criticism; your first paragraph could also be the last one; I loved it because it says it all; the whole story is told here; try another entry where you create a burning mystery, where the reader is dying for paragraph two

Virginia M. Jun 26, 2012, 9:44pm UTC

Thank you, Phillip.
I agree, I didn't make any mystery to lead into a second paragraph. Not one of the greatest hooks, huh? Hopefully I can remedy that!

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Emma Jane (GWE)

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