Ten Songs I Never Want to Hear Again (But I know I Will)

This is a list of ten songs I never want to hear again, but I know I will:

In ascending order of irritation magnitude…

10.  Any song Eric Clapton wrote for a dead relative. He wrote “Tears from Heaven” for his son who was killed in a tragic accident, and “My Father’s Eyes” for his father, who I heard he never met. Both songs were so overplayed when they came out that I can’t listen to either without wanting to stomp a radio to death with my bare feet.

9.  Any song Elton John sings about a dead blonde. “Candle in the wind” was for Monroe then Diana. Come on man, you’ve got more number one hits than anyone else and you have to recycle one? Please.

8.  “The Pina Colada Song (Escape)” by Rupert Holmes. Back in the day this song was just left playing by radio stations day and night because that’s the only song anyone wanted to hear. I can’t drink a Pina Colada without wanting to throw up but there is no escape.

7. “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffet. Some people say there’s a women to blame but I know it’s his own damn fault. A person can’t go to Florida and drink without this song coming on a juke box. I was sick of it two decades ago.

6. “Funky Town” by Lipps Inc. This was a song I hated the first time I heard it. Someone remade it a few years back and I hated it all over again. It’s just irritating, plain and simple.

5. “Train” by Blacksnake. This was one of those songs everyone loved so much some of us started to hate it. Then one night a drunk I knew started singing it, and by the end of the evening he puked out the car window and splattered me because I was in the backseat. I hosed off in someone’s front yard and since then when I hear that song I smell the puke of an idiot in the air.

4. “I Will Always Love You” Whitney Houston. The video of this song fascinated me because Houston looks like she’s sitting on a toilet having some sort of mouth spasm. But really, I was with a male co-worker one day and he stopped to play this song full blast and was explaining to my why this was his song for his ex-wife, even though she had cheated on him, took his money, and left him with nothing. I thought it a poor idea to sit with another guy and listen to that song loud enough for people to hear it. Houston was a drunk, an addict, and had marginal talent. The fact that she died right before the Emmys does not make her special.

3. “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees. This song marked a new low in music all over the world and in the United States it marked the beginning of a very long dry spell where there wasn’t an album worth using for target practice. If there was a song that is the musical equivalent of the Nazi takeover of Europe, this is that song.

2. “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. The lyrics are nonsensical. They do not mean anything special or important, Satanic, magical or mystical. It’s a long, long, song that has been played far too long. Stop it.

1. “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. This is a song that is played over and over by rednecks like they’re four year olds playing some Disney DVD incessantly. At bars, parties, outdoor events, you name it, at some time some moron wearing a three wolves howling tee-shirt draped over his belly is going to struggle to his feet, lift a butane lighter to the heavens and scream, “Free Bird!”  When the song was sold to the soul duo “Peaches and Herb” some of the magic wore off a bit, but it is still the most overplayed song in the South. It really wouldn’t be so bad except for those people who seem to think “Free Bird” is like the national anthem or something. You may love it, and everyone you know may love it, but there comes a time when you just have to realize music did not stop in 1977.

Take Care,

Mike