Tall as night behind the altar’s light, incense devouring flame, the guardian stands and sinners crouch in shame. “Arise.” Light wakens bright and life’s redeemed.
Inspired by Sunday Writing Essentials suggestion that we analyze poetic devises, I revisited my Monday Writing Essentials entry http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474981418127 and looked for ways to improve it.
alliteration: stands and sinners. Maybe light and life in the last sentence too.
assonance: night behind... light...
internal rhyme: night, light, flame, shame
approximate rhyme: night behind... light/bright and life. Maybe devouring and crouch as well.
repetition: I felt the word light was important so I repeated it.
and yes, having played with it, I'd love some rigorous critique of my 25-word drip.
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Comments: 7
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Light wakens bright and life’s redeemed. The symmetry of the alliteration/assonance of Light and Life end the piece with a sense of repose. (Big improvement over reprobate IMHO)
The assonance of the "eye" vowels (including arise!) extends through the whole piece, to good effect.
I'd say, just add line breaks and you've got a beautiful, profound little poem.