A Dear John Letter : Wednesday Writing Essentials (Hobbies & Friends)

The soon to be published ‘Dear John’ letter was the result of John’s flower zealot neighbor Pam. John had thought her a good anti-petulant friend; but so did Len. He never realized his garden choices would cause her to lash out at him with anti-petulant poison pen.

John seemed surprised, so with decorum he replied, ’I’m sorry, but I’d accept your garden suggestions, but that would be a lie.’ Pam responded refraining from using French, but in colloquial speech she used metaphor of strong petulant intent. John got the message and frowned, but he soon laughed it off as he decided the types of onions and beans to plant in his garden.

John, some say, mistakenly ignored Pam, who was genuinely mortified at John‘s planting plan. Pam had lived most of her life in a house with open windows. Her family was poor and for breakfast often ate beans and onions. When she wed and moved into John’s neighborhood, she was glad she could keep her windows closed, because her husband a vegetarian.

Until John’s garden plans, Pam had thought her paradise marriage soothing and grand. However, when John did not respond, Pam said, ’I will not be ignored.’ She read the city charter and laws and found  a way to get her garden planting wants decided politically with an obscure law authorizing legal force.

Pam ran for and won the city administrative post of  ‘Beautification Director.’ She knew a clause in the law gave her absolute power to the legality of home gardens and patio and wasted no time in acting. She sent her decree to the Mayor for his approval. He quickly contacted the City Council, showed her decree, and all voted No because they like John and his chili. 

Pam took her job seriously and persuaded many to plant flowers. The neighborhood looked pretty and the windows of her house remained closed until John introduced her husband to his chili at a backyard barbecue. The next day was bad as she gasped at both silent and trumpet blasts. Her windows came open fast and her thought said, ‘I must rid the neighborhood of John’s influence.’

She soon discovered there was nothing she could do to stop John from planting onions and beans in the majority of his garden plot, but she officially asked John to export his product. John said this is government interference and dared Pam to write the EPA, which she did. In the meantime, heating bills grew, as she thought of John’s chili and after a Winter of blues, she wanted Justice concerning food.

Part of Pam’s job was monitoring city air purification standards. Pam decided the best course of action was to write the EPA a letter telling of John‘s help in causing of massive input of global warming gas into the atmosphere. She then made the bombshell claim the city‘s Mayor and council actively participated in John‘s global warming escapades. Pam’s title of Beautification Director held great weight with an EPA agent whom sent the ’Dear John’ letter.

 Mr. John Beck, 

The EPA has been informed of your garden and feel quite concerned it may cause an increase in greenhouse gasses. Although you are from Wisconsin, your projected cutting of the cheese goes way beyond suggested tolerable cow methane emissions.
In an effort not to fine you for greenhouse emissions, related to a subsection in a recently signed bill, we are simply asking you to plant seeds besides beans and onions. A Swiss chard, a tomato, a cucumber or many flowers are preferable and you’re country will be honored.

Sincerely,

Pam Odo Rize; EPA Olfactory director
 

John filed this letter where it belonged and whistled, ‘Pam get use to it.’.