PYONGYANG, North Korea. Kim Jong-il, who transformed North Korea from a backwards nation into a backwards nation with nuclear weapons, died shortly before defeating South Korea in a triple-overtime badminton match, state-run news media has reported.
"Hmm--could I have hit that shot a little better? Nah."
"Glorious Master of the Shuttlecock Kim Jong-il rose from the dead at the end of regulation to administer a firm spanking to the lapdog lackeys of the retrograde capitalist oppressors," intoned weekend sports anchor Kim Yong-rim. "Yes--interesting to note that he was wearing platform heels at the time, making overhead volleys so much more difficult," added color commentator Choe Yong-nam.
"Go ahead--pull my finger."
Jong-il has been credited with a number of questionable records by North Korean sports media over the years, including eighteen consecutive holes-in-one during the 2009 Pyeonghwa Motors Pro-Am Classic, an 8' 2" high jump at the 2007 Pan Korean Involuntary Worship Games, and 9.35 yards-after-the-catch average during the 2010 regular season for Pyongyang Eagles of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea Arena Football League.
Ki-moon: "I looked at his turnover-to-assist ratio, and just started laughing."
"The North Korean Army has persistently refused to allow impartial observers into the country to verify Mr. Jong, or Mr. il's--whatever--feats," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. "These latest purported 'records' will only further de-stabilize the Korean subcontinent, which is subjected to obloquy of mean-spirited critics who don't consider poodles to be entrees."
Jong-il will cede his powers as Chief Film Critic of North Korea to his son Kim Jong Un, who is said to be an expert on 1960's American beach party movies. "Until the heir is properly trained in the use of his father's 'four-star' rating system, a regent will be appointed by the Army to review all depraved products of Hollywood," said Hye Jung Park. "I am watching the director's cut of Psycho Beach Party right now."