FWE Haiku~Sunrise~for Friday Writing Essential

It sounds like your day is going to be bright.

Thanks, Marilyn. It will be even if it's cloudy. I'm interested to see what those more familiar with the haiku form have to say about the subject matter and the relationship between the last line and the first two. Haiku is still foreign to me, pun acknowledged.

I've played with Haiku some myself but know nothing about it except the number of syllables. I'll come back and see what is said about it later.

Yes, I learn about various forms by trying them and having people who know more about them comment.

I can hear my haiku group saying: leave out the adjectives. Show us the scene more directly. Syllables don't matter so much as the image. Usually there are two images in a haiku poem that play off each other.

Three adjectives and one adverb! I guess I flunk! But that's the kind of feedback I want and appreciate, Alison. Thank you. I know you've referred to your haiku group in the past.

I didn't know that, either.

But with that said, whatever the poem, I think content is always far more important than form.

The only form requested was the 5-7-5
syllable format - you didn't flunk that!

Yea, I guess I got that much right.

I like the change in tone from bleak to a happy sunny sky. I wonder if bleak and gray are a bit redundant. Still it is a lovely Haiku and seems to follow the from perfectly.

Interesting observation, Jennifer. Thanks for the comment.

After checking a dictionary and thesaurus, I take it back. The words are not redundant. My mistake and apology. Still waking up and drinking that 1st cup of java.

I was going to say that bleak and gray aren't redundant but you beat me to it Jennifer. I like the way this haiku brings out that even the darkest of days (metaphorically) seem brighter when the morning sun awakes us.
Nice transition John.

These words are not redundant because they are painting more than just scene. These words are balanced and complimentary to show both scene and emotion.

Jennifer, I appreciate the close reading and discussion.

Thanks, Bill.

Thanks again, SSSSS.

Your haiku is as welcome as, "the morning sun."

Thank you, David.

This is truly beautiful.

Thank you, Kathryn.

Lovely haiku. I must get back to writing haiku. It has been awhile since I have penned any of these 17 syllable poems.

Thank you, SSSSS. Since you're experienced with the form, I'm open to any suggestions.

Excellent Haiku. It has a feeling of gentle simplicity as your paint brush specifies two contrasting scenes. The underlying message is hope.

Your critiques are always so astute, William~

I try to feel the message and say my impression.

Thank you, Bill. I was hoping you would read and comment because you have a background in the culture from which the form evolved and read with an educated and discerning eye.

Yes, I only read this with my right eye.

The discerning one, no doubt. Apparently, So does Tracy Fabre.

Love your Haiku and William's comment.

Thanks, Marge.

I love the early morning light.

As do I, Bob. Thanks.

I see your haiku as sweet perfection, John, adhering to the premise that a bit o' sunshine can always be found peekin' out o' the clouds.

Thanks, Ruthi. I like your interpretation.

Nature, simplicity, elegance...it just can't get any better :)

Thank you sincerely, Bridget, for your generous comment.

This has been an interesting experience. I will have to do a bit of research about the Haiku and put thought into mine.

I hope you do, Marilyn.

5-7-5 plus nature and hope = a winner!

Thank you, Barbary.

Lovely work. You inspired me to write:

clouds pass a mirror~
a signal of shadow
between two friends

Wonderful. Thank you, Kushal.

I'm actually amazed that you could fit so many adjectives in a haiku! I always run out of room.

:-)

Lovely Haiku John

Thanks, Atticus. You know how to make a fellow feel better.

John, my good friend, I truly think it is a fine haiku. I was just teasing (one of my major faults) based on the earlier discussion. I hope I did not offend. I did not mean to.

Not in the least! I was just kidding as though I had taken a beating, which of course was not the case.

The popular form of haiku in the western world tends to be free form, which honestly only adheres to the rule of maintaining some sort of syllable count. I love the fact that you used so many adjectives. Please don't feel limited in writing haikus in the future by such rules. You don't even really need to adhere to the 5,7,5 syllable rule...it was just a start. Many American haiku authors stick to the 4,6,4 or 5,6,5 count...really just do what feels right :)

Thank you, Bridget. I guess if it evokes some kind of feeling in the reader it's worthwhile regardless of what you call it. I just hate to think of Japanese poets rolling over in their graves. :)

They'd roll over and smile because they liked it, John.

Sweet of you to say, Barbary. Thank you.

Hello, everyone! I'm new here. I like the words "bleak" and "gloomy" in this. They remind me of the weather we were having here yesterday. I don't know a lot about haiku, but I like the shift from the first two lines to the last. Weather is so changeable like that!

Thank, Kathy. That's what I was trying to do.

Is it okay if I just like it without understanding if it's "right" or not?

More than OK, Tracy. Thank you.

I like the feeling it brings - from monotone colors to a variety of colors, without seeing the variety in the words.

Now, everyone has been instructing you in the finer points of haikus. Well, I don't understand the finer points yet, so won't comment there. BUT, (and only because I know you do like this kind of critique), I do have something for you to consider from a writing standpoint. When we use words like "looks," "sounds," "tastes," etc., we distance the action. We kill intimacy, although that sounds melodramatic. lol

Readers see the narrator seeing, instead of seeing for themselves. Try showing the bleakness directly, instead of showing the narrator (implied, not directly) looking at the bleakness. And, because I'm never sure I'm getting my point across, when I try to explain this one, let me give the example given to me, when another writer first turned me on to this idea.

I wrote, "I heard her coffee mug hit the ceramic coaster." After learning this idea, the sentence changed to "Her coffee mug clinked." With that, the reader experiences the sound without having it filtered through the narrator's senses first, making it more initimate.

The concept is new enough for me, that I still end up filtering, but removing the narrator from the scene, even if just implied, does bring readers closer to the intimacy of the scene itself.

That's an excellent point, Lynn. Thank you so much. And you're right--I do like this kind of critique.

John, your Haiku made me feel good, I like it very much, what is more, I understand it. love, Elsie

Yes, it's not too mysterious, Elsie. Thank you.

Very briefly bleak. Nice haiku.

Thank you, Sheila.

Very nice. Grey then sunshine.

Thank you, Donald.

Sounds like my neck of the woods. Another beautiful poem. I love haiku!

Thank you, Aduinna.

John, I really enjoyed your contrasting these two integral components of nature in the manner you did. I sense the approach of dawn as you shift from the 'gloomy' and 'bleak' into a shade of gray ( implies at least some light ) prior to our Sun's emergence over the horizon. As a result, you've managed to incorporate actual movement, hence for me, the true imagery generator ( and quite a good one ) in this piece. Well done, my friend!

Thank you kindly for your thoughtful comment, Chris.