The Island for Whetstone Critique

Comments: 32

Kathryn Flynn Oct 19, 2010, 11:29pm UTC

Oh my. This speaks loud and clear.

Jennifer Lee Oct 19, 2010, 11:37pm UTC

Good, I hope the right people get the message. I'm kind of wallowing and going to bed early. Thanks, my dear friend! Love you, Jen

Kathryn Flynn Oct 19, 2010, 11:50pm UTC

Yes, hon. Be to get lots of rest. And things that are physical comforts, whether bubble baths, blankets, towels, I love thick fluffy things and thick down comforters and velour robes; really, the sense of touching and being touched, even if by bubble baths and towels/blankets/pillows reintegrates our soul.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 12:46am UTC

I want to make it clear that I wasn't physically abused. I am doing all that but can't fall asleep. Maybe Melatonin?

Kathryn Flynn Oct 20, 2010, 1:04am UTC

I did not think the abuse was physical. Melatoni works wonders. I take it every night. Just a little more coffee in the morning, but nothing like OTC or script sleeping pills.... and it is safe... can cause vivid dreams/ nightmares in some people, but not in me. I used to dream a lot and it was great, but for some reason, I no longer remember my dreams.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:31am UTC

Morning. K! I remember many of my dreams and for the last two nights I dreamed of moving on, so I think I will be fine. Thanks again, for everything. Have a great day!

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Randall C. Oct 19, 2010, 11:54pm UTC

WOW!!! I felt every line..

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:20am UTC

Great, Randall! Thanks for being here.

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Elsie Duggan Oct 20, 2010, 1:13am UTC

Wonderful Jennifer, there are many kinds of abuse as you well know, and I think you have described the most painful kind. Very well written, and sorry you can't sleep. I am a night owl by choice for the same reason, do this stuff until I can't see, and that puts me out, take care , love, Elsie

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:23am UTC

Thank you, Elsie! It may not been as bad as the poem sounds, but I was definitely unhappy at the end. Now I have only myself to rely on again and my independence/freedom back as well. Love, Jen

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david f. Oct 20, 2010, 1:32am UTC

oh jennifer ~ hugs!

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:24am UTC

Thank you, David! I need lots of those. I guess it's just not in the cards for me to have a permanent relationship.

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Linda T. Oct 20, 2010, 5:23am UTC

"and sail away to a secluded shore"

Sometimes when one is feeling mental anguish the only thing that helps is finding a private sanctuary. I went looking for one last night but it was elusive. Jen I have been thinking about you and meaning to message you but going through some rough days myself.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:28am UTC

It helps a great deal to write about and I'm hoping to get it out of my system this way. Have you ever thought about writing poetry or keeping a journal, Linda? Thank you for thinking of me. I've been thinking of you, too and almost called you on Sunday. I've spent the last two weekends in the mountains, just trying to find peace and heal. It will get better soon, for both of us.

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Bernard C. Oct 20, 2010, 7:13am UTC

I liked this short tale - eloping - thanks for sharing :-))

Thanks for submitting to
The Surreal Circus.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 9:29am UTC

Thank you for reading, Bernard. btw, the last post you read wasn't lyrics. That was my poem. :))

Bernard C. Oct 20, 2010, 5:40pm UTC

Thanks Jennifer for clearing that up - it was unclear to me at the time of reading :-)

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Robert - just a simple man - B. Oct 20, 2010, 11:29am UTC

Yeah, sometimes the only thing one can do is cut loose the anchor and drift off alone, lay on the deck with no one around and let the moon and stars be your lover. Less commotion and a lot less confusion.

The poem is good Jen. For some reason, maybe because it brings connotations of "Fat", I don't care for the verb 'beached'.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 11:54pm UTC

Since I wrote this poem, he called me and said that he has cancer again. I may not be leaving his side after all. I'll consider changing the word beached. Thank you, dear friend. Hugs

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Angela A. Oct 20, 2010, 12:11pm UTC

Is this poem free form or some other type? Because if there is a rhyme measure, I won't be able to help. I'm not good with those. But, I do have some little technical solutions here and there if you wish to know my opinion.

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Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 11:55pm UTC

Sure, Angela. Fire away, girlfriend! It is free verse. I rarely write rhymes. Thanks, hun!

Angela A. Oct 22, 2010, 3:38pm UTC

Sorry I hadn't got back to you till now. Had to go to court yesterday.
Luckily, the case turned to my favor. And, I won. Yeah!
Okay, I will work on the suggestions and get back to you.

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Bill's Spirit Oct 20, 2010, 4:31pm UTC

Beautiful imagery certainly dressed this tragic story.

Wishing you the best, Jen.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 11:56pm UTC

Thank you, Bill!

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Sharon P. Oct 20, 2010, 6:59pm UTC

Time passes, and this will too. Hang in there Jen.

Jennifer Lee Oct 20, 2010, 11:56pm UTC

I am, thank you, Sharon!

Sharon P. Oct 21, 2010, 3:29am UTC

You're very welcome.

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Angela A. Oct 24, 2010, 6:11pm UTC

Okay, Jen. I'm finally back.
Here's the version I did of your poem. Tell me if you think it works. If not, that's okay.
Wrapped in a blue chiffon robe she dove into deep raging waters.
Her pleasure carried away across a distant memory
Beached upon an island next to a coral peach sea
Searching for him in oceans of love

Where they spent days beneath gold satin sheets
Explosive passion caused great commotion
Until understanding an island of pain exists
that they were hostages

Bloody crimson lips; bruised cream skin;
Twisted reflections of her in the mirror
Her only escape; taking her life back
Sailing away to a secluded shore

Jennifer Lee Oct 26, 2010, 9:05pm UTC

I like your re-write with one exception. The last line in the second stanza bothers me a bit. Instead of "that" I would use "and." Thanks so much, Angel! I've been busy at work, sorry for the delay in my reply.

Angela A. Oct 27, 2010, 11:47am UTC

Thanks Jen. I don't use and that much anymore. Someone told me, I use it too much. Ha, ha.

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Ms Lee P. Oct 26, 2010, 11:58am UTC

This is so sad. I hope it's only a poem.

Jennifer Lee Oct 26, 2010, 9:06pm UTC

My poems are almost always autobiographical. Thank you for reading, Lee.

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The Island for Whetstone Critique

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