Letter to President Obama #62 | Subject: Dating, Valentine’s Day, Candy, The Olympics, MMA, etc.

 

Letter to President Obama # 62 | Subject: Dating, Valentine’s Day, Candy, The Olympics, MMA, etc.

Dear President Obama,

So Valentine’s Day was last weekend, and as always, it’s got me thinking about dating and flowers, but more than anything, it’s got me thinking about candy.

In fact, those little candy hearts are the first thing I think about. You know, those little hearts with phrases like “Be Mine” and “Kiss Me” on them? Mr. President, I hate those things! They taste terrible! In fact, I think those were really some sort of reverse psychology experiment designed by parents to make children subconsciously associate romantic phrases and the opposite sex with horrifying nastiness. This would make sense, as I didn’t even start to think about dating until middle school, as I knew that I’d probably have to buy (and perhaps even ingest!) many of those “candy” hearts. I think there should be truth in advertising when it comes to these candies, and the little hearts should say things like “Tastes like Chalk” or “Actually Pepto-Bismol” instead.

Valentine’s Day features another less-than-appetizing candy item too—boxes of chocolates. I don’t understand why there actually is an entire industry dedicated to producing boxes of chocolates. These companies took chocolate, the world’s best invention, and they’ve somehow ruined it. Really, I think giving someone a box of chocolates is more of an insult than anything else. It’s a bit like making your significant other your food taster: It’s like saying: Here, I don’t know what these are. For all I know, they could be poison. You try them first.

Every few years, I’ll see a box of chocolates on the table at work or at a holiday party or something, and I’ll decide to give them another shot. This is always a mistake. I should know this, as the boxes are almost always full (never a good sign), and the individual chocolates are never labeled. Of course, selecting my chocolate takes time, as I always attempt to think my way through the problem, as if I were trying to outsmart a grandmaster with my next move in a game of chess. I instinctively avoid the round chocolates, as they almost never are actually chocolate but just thin shells filled with some sort of horrible goopy liquid like pineapple or cherry syrup or goulash. (I also always assume the worst, so let’s be frank—the round chocolates could theoretically conceal eyeballs. That might seem extreme, but I wouldn’t put anything past these guys, Mr. President.)

But like in chess, I’m always fooled and I almost never actually consume the “candy.” Instead, I scurry about trying to find the nearest napkin, and there are almost never any to be found. (Not surprisingly, the trash bin is always full of them.)

When I’m not avoiding Valentine’s Day candies, I’m usually thinking of my fiancée. I’m pretty glad that I’m getting hitched soon, because that means I’m done with dating. Don’t get me wrong, dating was fun and all, but it was pretty stressful. I mean, there’s a lot to learn, and there are many ways to approach dating.

Some people go on blind dates, which seems more than a little odd, if you ask me. Having someone set you up with a person you know nothing about is a little creepy. Then again, I guess it does give you both stuff to talk about. (I also can’t help to wonder what happens if you go on a blind date and you find out your date is, in fact, blind. Should you have seen this coming? Of course, they couldn’t have, but then what does one call it? A blind-blind date? A double-blind date? That last one sounds like some sort of medical study or something.)

Speed dating is even weirder. For whatever reason, whenever I think of speed dating, I think of the Winter Olympics and speed skating, because they are only two letters apart and sound a lot alike. Then I picture a speed skater zooming around the rink and meeting all these people for a minute or two and then going onto the next.

Speaking of the Olympics, I’d think it’s a little strange that some of the figure skating couples are dating in real life. I mean, I guess that makes sense given how much physical contact there is, but what happens when they get in a fight? First of all, they are both wearing ice skates, which are essentially bladed weapons. And then what happens if instead of twirling his partner around, the guy checks her into the boards? That probably wouldn’t go over very well.

Nevertheless, it does bring up an interesting possibility for another Winter Olympics event; what if kickboxers and karate experts skated—and fought—on the rink! They could use the skates as weapons, and they could probably work in all those crazy triple lutzes too.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Let me know what you think about all this, and take care,

Brett

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