Prompt: Create a holiday newsletter based on fact or fiction, but keep humor as your underlying theme.
Sammy and Tammy bringing you this year’s Christmas update. The past two weeks have been really exciting and I can’t go into a lot of detail because I’m using the computer at the library. That’s what happens when your house burns down. Ha, ha, ha!
Nobody knows what caused the fire, but the fire chief is saying that it was arson. He’s convinced that Uncle Fred burned the house down on purpose. That’s nonsense, of course, because we don’t have insurance on it and it happened in the middle of the afternoon. By that time of day Uncle Fred was so drunk he couldn’t have started a fire on purpose.
We heard him in the den swearing at the computer and we figure he probably smashed his bottle of Old Crow on the computer. We’re pretty sure that the resulting explosion that killed him also set the house on fire. He had been in there nearly an hour trying to type up Aunt Judy’s obituary.
She hasn’t been quite right in the head since Cousin Elliot was arrested. Naturally we all believe he was innocent of those charges, after all, how could a fourteen year-old boy have caused all that damage to city hall with just one pipe bomb?
If he just hadn’t tried to push the police chief off that balcony, they probably wouldn’t have had to shoot him. Oh, well, that’s life in our little family.
Don’t worry about us, though. We salvaged a mattress and some clothes from the house after the firemen left and we’ve moved into a nice little culvert under the Interstate. We’re just down the road from that big turkey farm and Sammy’s going to sneak down there tonight and pick up our Christmas turkey. While he’s doing that, I’m going to go through the trash bins behind the Piggly Wiggly and get our veggies and dessert. So, we’re pretty well set for Christmas dinner.
Hope you all have a happy holiday,
Sammy and Tammy