by d d.
Member since:
July 26, 2006

Daily Freewrite: 9/21/09 : It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to....

September 21, 2009 11:12 AM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 45

11:00 disclaimer: spelling and grammatical errors have not been created through streams of tears.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to....

I'm glad that this is only 5 min. as I have to get ready for lunch.  Saturday was my husbands birthday, yesterday was my mom's 21st memorial anniversary, today is my birthday.  I can't tell you what a rollercoaster these three days have been for the last 20+ years.  I get bluesy thinking about the day that my mother left us.  I have to rally for my husbands birthday. The following day, I visit her grave and cry my heart out.  Actually i don't have to be at her grave to cry my heart out.  I cry where ever whenever.. I cry because she was a wonderful, loving, nuturing mother.  I cry because as i was really beginning to understand how great our relationship is, I lost her to cancer.  I cry because i see so many people enjoying their parents, and I would give anything to have that in my life.  I cry because she would have loved to have watched my boys grow up .  I cry because I'm a girl and I can.  

Then after all the tears are gone, I have to rally for my family and look like i'm enjoying my birthday.  Everyone puts so much effort into making it a wonderful day for me and I have to rally for that.   Can a person move their birthdate?      Ok, that's it for me, with tears inbeteeen all the letters..at points i could bareley see the keyboard or the screen. "It's my birthdya nad I'll cry if I want to... you would cry too if it happened to you."

11:05

©DYen 9/21/09

Comments: 45

Len Maxwell Sep 21, 2009, 11:17am UTC
That was a beautiful freewrite. Have a happy birthday, you deserve it.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:36pm UTC
thank you Len.
Alison H. Sep 21, 2009, 11:20am UTC
I can see how it's such an emotional time for you. You honor your mom with your tears of love. I am sure she knows your feelings for her.

(((hugs)))
Alison H. Sep 21, 2009, 11:20am UTC
and Happy Birthday!
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:36pm UTC
Thank you Alison.
Warren Bennett Sep 21, 2009, 11:24am UTC
You know I read these things, these freewrites, and sometimes I just don't know how to respond. Do I say "Hey you did a good freewrite?" When the writing is obviously very emotional? All I know is that your family is doing the best they can to help you, I am sure. Sometimes pretending to be happy does, in the end, lead to being truly happy.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:36pm UTC
Thank you Warren..your words mean a lot!
TINA s. Sep 21, 2009, 11:24am UTC
wonderful
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:37pm UTC
thank you tina.
Stirling D. Sep 21, 2009, 11:43am UTC
It must be really hard to almost share a birthday with a husband, not to mention a sad memory. Could you and your husband maybe combine your birthdays so you could celebrate before the anniversary of your mom's passing? At least then you could maybe get through it without feeling so ripped apart, and you could do a little personal thing for your mother on her day and yours, and let the tears flow when they must. I send you a lot of healing vibes and condolences. (My father's birthday is today also - he is 86. Sometimes I think he would rather not celebrate but I give thanks he is alive too.)
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:38pm UTC
thank you Stirling for your wise words and your healing vibes. I appreciate it.

Happy Happy Birthday to your father. May he continue to live a long, happy, healthy life.
Marianne M. Sep 21, 2009, 11:55am UTC
Oh, sweetie! I'm sorry your birthday is tinged with sadness. I understand. My brother was killed in a car accident on our third wedding anniversary. We're coming up on #39 in the spring. It has always clouded the day for me.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:39pm UTC
Yes, I know that must be hard for you, all of these years.
Thank you for understanding.
Ruthi C. Sep 21, 2009, 12:12pm UTC
Oh m'dear dd...while reading this freewrite I send many HUGs to you! It saddens my heart what this week brings for you, so I can but hold in my heart warm thoughts for you. I know somehow you'll make it through, I just pray a bit o' happiness finds a way into your day too.

Happy Birthday m'dear dd...
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:40pm UTC
Thanks Ruthi, you know I appreciate the hugs. I love the Birthday Sunflower wish too.
Marsha C. Sep 21, 2009, 12:24pm UTC
Happy Birthday
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:40pm UTC
Thank you Marsha for your well wishes.
kimberly g. Sep 21, 2009, 12:28pm UTC
Happy Birthday Dear Friend!
gonna play a song for you!
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:41pm UTC
Thank you Kimberly. I look forward to hearing the song.
☃ Shannon K. Wendt Sep 21, 2009, 1:28pm UTC
Happy B Day anyway!

And I wish I could have stopped counting birthdays after 25.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:42pm UTC
Thanks Aunt Shanny, can you make me a pink cake? :)

don't we all stop counting after 25?
☃ Shannon K. Wendt Sep 21, 2009, 3:56pm UTC
I usually do cake mixes, is that alright?
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 8:45pm UTC
cake mixes with Pink is always ok.
Lori Cee Sep 21, 2009, 1:30pm UTC
happy happy joy joy!
Lori Cee Sep 21, 2009, 1:30pm UTC
enjoy the rest of your day!
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:42pm UTC
Thank you Lori for the Happy Happy Joy Joy... that was sweet... Now, I'm having a senior moment, where is that from?
ʚϊɞ Kim K. Sep 21, 2009, 3:51pm UTC
It's from Ren and Stimpy lol

Happy Birthday dd. It maybe tinged with sadness but I hope you were able to have a good day.
Lori Cee Sep 21, 2009, 4:12pm UTC
i clicked on that link against my better judgment. i'll be hearing that song in my sleep.
Lori Cee Sep 21, 2009, 4:18pm UTC
DD, there's no time limit on grief so you can cry forever more if that's what you need to do.
ʚϊɞ Kim K. Sep 21, 2009, 4:40pm UTC
"i clicked on that link against my better judgment. i'll be hearing that song in my sleep. "
...Lori Cee


Photobucket
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 8:44pm UTC
thank you Kim for your well wishes and for the link.

Lori LOL and thank you for your words of wisdom. I think there will be periods in my life where I have to mourn my loss.
Donald M. Sep 21, 2009, 1:32pm UTC
Happy Birthday, dont cry your friends are here for you. Happy Birthday.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:43pm UTC
You sure are Donald and Norma and I appreciate it. thank you for your well wishes.
Michelle C. Sep 21, 2009, 2:08pm UTC
dear friend ~

your mom sounds like a wonderful woman. i can see why you miss her.

a rollercoaster ride has it's moments of fear; moments of exhilaration. at the end of the ride you feel drained from the adrenaline rush.

my wish for you is a peaceful birthday.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 3:51pm UTC
Michelle, thank you very much for your words of wisdom. I appreciate your support. I came home to find a lovely surprise in my mail. thank you for the card. that was very sweet of you.
Michelle C. Sep 21, 2009, 5:32pm UTC
:)
George Shaw Sep 21, 2009, 5:29pm UTC
I hope it is a wonderful birthday.
d d. Sep 21, 2009, 9:25pm UTC
thanks George, it was and it's sort of over...somehow, though it drags on for a week or so with my friends. But that is the most blessed thing, I have friends that come out of the woodworks to call, send me gifts (I had a few items dropped off at my door while I was out today) and friends trying to schedule to take me out for a meal. My Girlfriends are the best!
George Shaw Sep 21, 2009, 9:30pm UTC
That is really nice.
I understand feeling sad when others expect you to be happy and joyful. It is really hard. Happy belated Birthday my friend. Big Hugs to you.
d d. Sep 22, 2009, 8:20am UTC
thank you Sandy for your sweet words.
Ruth Luce Sep 23, 2009, 1:07am UTC
She never left you hon, she's still there you know. With you, in you, about you........you feel it, you see her, I know you do. I see daddy as well, I feel him, he's there. Not the man that left me due to the cancer, daddy is still there.......ya know?

Is only 10 pm here so I didn't miss it, WOOT!!!

ahem......me, me, mi, mi, meeeeeee.......

**It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.....**
**You would cry too if it happened to you!**

**Happy Birthday to you**
**Happy Birthday to you**
**Happy Birthday dear D D....**
**Happy Birthday to you!!!!!!**
=~P
d d. Sep 29, 2009, 3:09pm UTC
I don't know why I didn't see this. Thank you Ruth for singing your good wishes to me.
Loretta E. Sep 29, 2009, 10:25am UTC
I can see how it is such an emotional time for you, I'm changing your birthday for you...HAPPY BIRTHDAY D.D.!!!!! God Bless
d d. Sep 29, 2009, 3:09pm UTC
Thank you Loretta for changing the date and for stopping in with your well wishes.

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